My Experience with Asian Food and Houston:

For a long time, I’ve dwelled among the oak tree-shaded environs of the Greater Houston suburbiaplex, and through the decades I’ve watched this ugly city grow from a grey and unappealing sprawl of the 90s to the marginally denser, diversified, and even greater sprawlomania that characterizes Houston today.  Yet in those pivotal years when the Internet age blossomed and connected cities around the world, leading to more tourism, more exchange of ideas, and naturally more food marketing, it seemed like the food scene–especially, the Asian food scene–in H-town never deserved the same scrutiny that was afforded to its fellow urban cities.  That’s not to say that it actually compares to the cosmopolitan Los Angeles or New York City, but it is my belief that All cities deserve the highest standard of critique–for it is only when its most hideous flaws are highlighted and spread across the internet, can progress rear its ugly head to force improvement upon the establishment.

Let me be completely honest, it wasn’t until that I decided to leave this moribund shell of a city that I realized that H-town did in fact have some redeeming qualities–one of which is a decently sized enclave of Asian restaurants and markets (I wish I could say ‘stores’ but I do not wish to imply any more than an exchange of basic goods and services) that indeed provided my literal life-support for Asian food all these years.  It is therefore my singular act of restitution that I share my compete review of every (East) Asian restaurant in Houston that I have been to, in tribute to the continual development and improvement of Houston’s Asian food scene.

Here are some facts:

  1. I am Cristóbal, and I have terrible taste.  But, I am neither blind, deaf, anosmic, nor do I have a taste for terribleness, so I am rather well endowed for identifying areas for improvement.
  2. Yelp in Houston is not a good source for determining the quality of a restaurant–certainly not for Asian food.  Why? Because Houston is full of people with bad taste, with few of the opposite to counteract these terrible forces en masse.  The seemingly innocuous democratic nature of the review system is therefore compromised without a valid system of weeding out the fake accounts and those simply without good taste and granting 5-star raving reviews to every ramshackled sandwich shop.
  3. Cristóbal does not believe in 5-star reviews.  Every full-score review is simply a lie–and an outrageously absurd one at best, since by innate virtue of the system, 5-stars is the ultimate highest review and aggregate experience that any living soul could bestow–you did NOT have a life-changing experience at an Asian restaurant (at least certainly not in Houston).  Instead, another system is proposed and used on this site–the anti-thesis of the ineffective 5-star system:  The (Rotten) Egg System.
    1. Sunny-Side Up – the official Cristóbal (temporary) medal of honour, meaning the restaurant is essentially ‘safe’ to go to, at least while it lasts.
    2. Rotten Egg – the symbolic emblem of unsatisfactory victuals, the stench of which only compounds as they are added upon each other until a max of 5.  Contrary to gold stars, there IS a very realistic limiting threshold for tolerance in the realm of horrible experiences, and it is probably much more telling for me to advise for you to avoid the worst experience ever, than my personal best experience, since, I have terrible taste.